the value of losing

Just like anyone, I dread the moment of losing something that has a personal value to me. I find it hard to let go and accept the fact that some good things never last. I may sound selfish, but that is the truth.

When I was a kid, I had this Sesame Street Big Bird coin bank. It really inspired me to put my extra coins that I got from my allowance. I found joy and excitement knowing that my coin bank got heavier each day. I couldn’t help myself to make a list of what to buy as soon as I got it filled. Then, one day it just got lost. It was stolen. Nobody even dared to help me find it. Since then, I have never tried buying another coin bank. I don’t want to experience again putting so much effort for something which may eventually be gone…

There was a time I got so hooked on Transformers (way back in the 80’s) that even my notebooks were all covered with these robots. I could say I had a ton of collections from bags to stickers, even sharpeners and pencils. But more than anything, my digital wristwatch Transformer was very dear to me. It was a detachable watch and it could really be transformed into a robot. I had the Optimus Prime design. I would wear it proudly at school and brag about it to my friends. Then, one day it just stopped working. I tried to buy a new battery, but it didn’t work. I tried to look for a replacement of the same kind, but there were no more stocks available. Sadly, I had to put it in my storage box. Since then, I have never tried buying another item that is not durable and long lasting. I have already put into consideration service warranty whenever I purchase something. I don’t want to experience again giving too much value on something which may eventually be broken…

I had a pet dog once. I named it “Brownie”, but he had white fur. Maybe it was a standard name for a dog that I could think of that time. I fed him, I bathed him, I cuddled him. He was a spoiled brat actually. He would always get a good share of meal whenever I was around. He even slept near my bed. He would play with me and accompany me in my afternoon walks. I enjoyed being his friend and playmate. Then, one day he got sick. He couldn’t eat. He started to weaken and eventually died. I cried and missed him for quite a while. Since then, I have never tried domesticating animals again because they cannot stay for long. I don’t want to experience again spending so much time for something which may be short-lived…

Since I have lost many valuable possessions in life, I have learned to avoid further losing. I have mastered playing safe so as not to experience it again. But then again, these are just defenses. Still, I dread a future scenario of losing. As a result, I don’t really get so attached and personal in all my dealings. I may appear to be, but that’s what you call superb ‘acting’.

Lately, I’ve been trying to rethink of what these past experiences made me. Yeah, they have made thick walls around me and I became a prisoner inside. I have just become so focused on me and the self-pity has grown much bigger than me.

I have never realized the value of losing until now. So what if efforts can be meaningless? What matters is I have exerted and I have given a part of myself. So what if there’s no warranty? What matters is I have risked and I have tried my best. So what if time is short-lived? What matters is I have made use of my time well. So what if there’s losing? What matters is I have become a better person.